Just Gen's Story

I was a senior in high school and dating my steady boyfriend of almost 2 years. He was 3 years older than me with a good job. Things were really good between us and he had asked me to marry him. Here I was, a high school girl of 17 walking around school with a beautiful 1/2 carat diamond engagement ring on my finger. I thought I was hot stuff. One weekend, some of my girlfriends suggested we all sleep over at my friend's house. My parents said it was fine with them because they liked her, but my boyfriend didn't like the idea. I assured him that it would be all right. "Don't worry," I told him, "there's going to be about 5 of us sleeping over at her house." I lied.

There were only 3 of us and we ended up going out and "cruising" in my friend's car. She was the only one that had her license in our group of girls. Well, we ended up going to a liquor store and buying some cheap wine that tasted like fruit juice and to make a long story short, got plastered on our faces drunk. That was the night a group of guys we had just met started up a conversation with us, and, wanting to be cool, we hung out with them. I was so drunk I let a guy that I didn't even know take me for "a walk".

 After he had his way with me it was like the drunkenness left and soberness kicked in. I realized what I had done and told my girlfriends that I wanted to leave right away. I felt so dirty and just wanted to bathe and wash everything off. All I knew about the guy was that he was 20 years old and his name was Philip. Weeks later, when I missed my period I knew that it was from that night of drunkenness. From that day on, my life was one huge lie after another.

I called an older family member who was very "liberal" in her views of life and told her that I thought I may be pregnant. She readily volunteered to pay for me so that I could "take car of it". "You can't let this happen. How do you expect to graduate if you're pregnant?" ...."Oh, your parents are going to be so disappointed in you"......"What are you going to tell people?" ......A trip to a Planned Parenthood clinic in Honolulu confirmed my worries. The worst thing about this clinic is that it was being run out of a church's meeting hall. A "Christian" church at that. I remembered seeing a lot of high school girls there that day. None of us looked each other in the eye. We kind of just glanced at each other and kept our eyes fixed on the floor. It was such a shameful feeling.

The doctor I saw set up an appointment for me to come to his office the following Saturday to have the "procedure". He must have seen a lot of girls in the same situation as me that day, because when he explained what he was going to do to the "tissue" he said it with an almost rehearsed and monotone voice, as if he had practiced it over and over many times. I'm sure, now, that he did. I lied to my parents and my boyfriend and told them that I had to stay after school to finish a project in order to go to the Planned Parenthood. I lied to them again and told them that I had to help my Aunt do some things at her apartment on the day that I had the abortion. I lied to my parents and my boyfriend and told them that I had hurt my back so I wouldn't have to do anything physical because I was in so much pain after the abortion. I lied to everyone to cover my shame.

The counselor from Planned Parenthood and the doctor and his nurse didn't tell me of the physical pain that I would feel after the abortion or of the regrets that I would have for years to come. They told me that I would be able to carry on with my life just as if nothing happened. They lied. It's a LIE when people tell you that you'll be "okay" after an abortion. It will stay with you forever and you will never feel "okay" about having an abortion. It's a LIE when people tell you that it's just a "mass of tissue". The Bible says that God knows us before we are born, while our bodies are yet unformed in our mothers' womb. (Psalms 139:13-16)
A few years later my boyfriend and I were married and started a family of our own. I never stopped thinking of the little baby that I destroyed. Was it a girl? Was it a boy? What did he or she look like? I'll never know. My heart ached and the guilt I felt was overwhelming. This was something that I could not share with anyone. It was something so horrendous that I was utterly disgusted with myself. To put it simply, I made myself sick of myself.
In my mid-twenties, I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and be the Lord and Saviour of my life. It was then, that I poured my heart out to the Lord and asked Him to forgive me for what I had done in killing my own, innocent child. I cried, alone, to the Lord in my bedroom for what seemed like hours (while my husband was at work and our three babies were napping). It was then, finally, that I was comforted by the Lord and He reassured me that my baby was with Him and that I was forgiven (I John 1:9). I felt as though a ton of bricks were taken off of my chest.

Over 32 years has passed since I had the abortion and it still causes my heart to ache when I think about it. I know I am forgiven. I know that one day I will see my baby in Heaven. It has only been through the healing that I have received in my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ that I am able to share my story. I pray that my story will help others to make the right decision and CHOOSE LIFE for their unborn child. God bless you.

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